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Jan. 24th, 2012

Letter to a lost Soul.


  I'm sorry for not coming to speak to you in person but what I'm about to say... I don't think it would come out right. I think our flaw has always been our lack of communication, but I disagree with that. I've always been there for you, always. I've always reaching up to you through starting a conversation, inviting you to hang out, following you to get your prescriptions and long underwear, and even going to the park even if I'm completely tired because in the end you are not my classmate, or my roommate, but my friend. Maybe our real flaw has always been how different we both are that keeps you pulling away from me. I say this because I've felt always in the dark about you. I know as far you let me see keeping me away from really getting to know you and really bond. I know you will like to disagree and tell me I'm wrong but how can you if you are always with your "friends". I hate that you leave me always out of the loop of things, never knowing whether I'll be expecting you home and should I leave the door unlocked, or not see you until the next day, or if you will be in class the following morning. It hurts me when I see you lazying off and choosing your bed over your work, your NECCA friends, or even me. At this point I don't know how I feel about you because I've gone through anger, annoyance, tolerance, hope, love, but all I get from you is disappointment and hurt. 
  You may not notice but your behavior and your actions affect others than just you. You keep telling yourself your a Mamma's boy and that has to change because though I agree and so am I, I didn't fly away to disappoint my mother or myself so your laziness and lack of enthusiasm or interest in NECCA or others pulls me down. Realize that I am counting on you when I fall down because I have no where to run and cry and it's not just me, but plenty of our classmates that find themselves in the same situation and we are counting on someone to pick us up and push us on the right direction. I've wanted since the beginning for you to be that person. In a way your actions are kind of insulting to me because I see the potential, everyone in NECCA think so too and see you going far!!! but it seems whatever I do, anyone for that matter, it doesn't seem to work on you. Some of us wonder your commitment to NECCA or circus, and question your intent to go forward and be ready to what other institutions like ENC and Quebec will bring upon you. 
  At this point I don't know. What sucks about this is... I like LIKE you... likED being the appropriate word now. It simply just hurts to think about you and to try to move you forward because you seem to prefer to hang out with your friends and I say this with low enthusiasm because friends don't let others down and that's what I see some of your others friend doing to you. Friends never should fog your vision with other stuff. You need to grow up and realize that you need to focus on your goal and select your "friends" carefully, because if they are not there to help you, support you, and move you forward, they should not be in your life. Enough with going out and smoking, or messing around with guys, you are slacking off and throwing away alot of potential for what?? a good fuck? smoke? relax chill day? there is always the time and day and with the right people. Ask your self, am I in the right place? Am I doing something I love? and if not, how can I change that? I know you must hate me by now and I am at peace with that because I never had you intoxicated upon my sight, never did I gave you a wrong advise, and never did I stopped believing in you. 
  I don't know how things will change after this, I just wish you the best and hope that you stop preventing yourself form deserving better. Stop smoking, messing around with guys, slacking off and being lazy because in the end you know neither are good for you. I know NECCA is hard, hard to keep training, move, stretch, and work out, but that is why I am here, always have been. This is all hard stuff, every classmate of yours knows and like me, they are here to cheer you up and follow you through the same journey your in BUT like the pills to lose weight, us being the pill, we need you to step forward, move, and let us help you out in order for everything to work out well. Also do realize like I said before...your that pill to us too and if you are not there... what now?? how can you expect us to be there for you if you keep giving us your back? I need you to help me too because I got no family to run to or my friends from back home that have always been there in the good ones and the bad ones and will always remind me why I love to do what I do. I am living by my own in an unknown place, I am a big Mamma's boy and I am still pulling through so grow up and so we can all help us out in the moments of stress. 
  Have you ever asked me a serious question about myself? do you know something about me that I didn't openly said to you or someone in the same room? This is where my energy to push you forward goes away because you had little need to get to know me and kind of the rest of our classmates too and its unfair that you don't acknowledge that when we are still all here for you. ...I don't know if I could count on you now. Specially after yesterday's event and the lack to show your redemption by not skipping Members Only to make up for what you miss.This is just hurting. In a way I want Danny back, we all do, but I said enough, the damage is done, you need to just seriously think about your next move and all I can hope for is for it to be the right one. Here is for Lizzy, Kristi, and myself not to lose a talented partner in our MultiTrap minor...  

Jan. 22nd, 2012

Dream Land

Many times during my regular day of circus, I find myself in Dream Land. Can you blame me? As a circus student you spend most of your time training hard to achieve unimaginable moves to which inspire audiences. Your mind is constantly on the future, on the goal, on that sweet Dream Land where you've made it! because the journey is hard and tough on you both physically and emotionally you would rather picture yourself at the top already. Recently I heard that the journey is more satisfying than the goal and I agree. It is just the journey can sometimes become a whole mess of emotional stuff one has to deal with that its hard to find yourself always alone. I applause to anyone who can concentrate on the overall goal, focus, and alone or not keep going forward. I at times find it hard to do only one aspect of that. Can you blame me? I train and train... and I train some more... I sometimes can't stop looking at other people because they are doing sometime very unique! or they are just damn attractive. We are all artist, but we are also athletes so everyone's body tend to be bLiNg! For a while my training went great, sure I had my ups and downs, but kept moving forward happy with just developing my tons of lov crushes upon some of my classmates. We all have those, they are innocent, cute to a degree. It's not after a while that I stepped into deep Sweet Dream Land that things became bitter&sweet. I told myself "enough with the crushes on some of the guys in here! narrow it down at least!" and so I did but that only lead me to the infinite What Ifs? ...Can you blame me? I won't describe the guy because to describe someone's personality is in many ways impossible. As intelligent human being we are many things at once. Anyway this given guy... he has grown up on me. He went from being a crush, a friend, someone I disliked, hated, someone I could tolerate, back to friend, and some time later a crush. In many ways I don't need someone like that, someone who in less than a year became polar opposites in my personal point of view. Someone I like but had it to been for our current living situation our interaction would have not left the studio because we both come from vastly different worlds. We are so different that I we sometimes get in each others nerves that there been times were all I want to do if fly back home and never return. But just like that... there have been many more moments where I see use coming together as one. "Your my Ying to my Yang" he said one night we were joking around. Opposite people attract, isn't that right? I know some will like to disagree and in your own theory you would probably be right. I am neither against it or for it, because between him and I, there have been equal amounts of hate, tolerance, friendship, and perhaps a bit more?? My question marks, those are what I have a problem with because it's them that lead me here to write. Because they have lead me to sleep soundly in Dream Land for so long and wonder around the What Ifs? Maybe this really is just my fault, heck it is, I've been told by a dearly good friend of mine that I have a tendency to read to much into things, and that is exactly what I been doing with this guy. There have been moments between us, where things have been said, things have been done, that if I had read well in between the lines I would not find myself in this position. Feeling like all hope is gone. I hate that feeling. Why couldn't I just read well In BETWEEN THE LINES because god damn it, I Thought I was right. Oh Well... Tonight though... tonight, I hope that with this...letter... I'll awake. Because though my journey is a tough one, all I need are my friends,a phone call back home, and ...a big Teddy Bear to fill the empty space in my bed to cuddle with at night ;P to keep me pushing forward towards that goal where Dream Land really exist. Plus, who ever said the journey of Circus Artist is sad, its a lonely one, but always with hilarity in between ;]

Oct. 11th, 2011


MEN of SAME words, 
   stuck in a big giant box 
where time doesn't matter
   it is all the SAME,
      hear the SAME,
         do the SAME. 

MEN that STINK, 
   PUSHERS to your own kind. 
SUCKERS for a beer and woman, 
   you make MEN a disgusting

You HIDE in the NORM,
   in a BOX where the unknown 
gets thrown. 
   All you want to do is PLAY some sports
      and go out for the same old 

For MEN of SAME words,
heck you GAVE a good punch!
Now I'm stuck with YOUR bitter taste
   of the COMMON man.  
      The INK in my skin that I

Once upon a time, like you, 
I WAS trapped in that SAME box
hearing the SAME old music 
of who gives a FUCK; though... 
   I AM your JOKE, 
      your UNKNOWN. 
         The guy you DISLIKE. 

I WAS...
but now I AM gone. 
   from that DUSTY old box 
      and INTO where I came from,
         the UNKNOWN. 

I AM no MEN like you. 
I AM a MAN...
of a DIFFERENT kind. 
With DIFFERENT words, 
   DIFFERENT doings,
      A life WORTH living 
         for a NONE stinking MAN. 

With this LAST words for YOU, 
   I END my HATE. 
      For I will no longer be in a BOX of 

Jul. 18th, 2011

Proud of our Battle Wound Scars.

In these days of a chapter's end. 
In the middle of our lives, 
will continue to march on. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 

Our sad stories as dark as the night, 
run down the river's glow and 
into the sea of growth. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 

No more tears be feed to our broken hearts. 
The sun is rising, our wands be ready, 
we got more battles to fight. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 

No more indecision for here we come, 
here we arrive. 
Ready to jump the skies. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 
Not afraid of our own magic. 
Will release it like first born butterflies in flight. 
Ghost of our past. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 
Down the road of rocks and jewels, 
our spells be heard. 
This time is real, our magic will cross through changing winds of space and time. 
Proud of our battle wound scars. 
In these days of a chapter's end. 
I continue to march on, wand ready, into flight
between birds and butterflies, the stars and clouds. 
Proud of my battle wound scars. 
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Jul. 10th, 2011

Past, Present, Future.

How do I start this...

 So... a lot has happen since my last entry. I have grown and experience a lot in just a couple of years and I am quite great full for all of that. I definitely wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't gone through what I did since then. I've meet so many wonderful people, some of whom I am proud to consider them as friends and some that were just bumps on the road. Friendship is something I value dearest to my heart, I grow a lot as a person through them as I hope they do through me. Over these past few years... well lets just say I got a better knowledge of who really are my friends and the type of people I want to be around with, which is great! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem heartless or anything, but I used to give my friendship away pretty easily and one after another I would get disappointed by people I use to hold dearest to me, so no more of that. I will say though... they brought me to know my weaknesses as well as my strengths and for that I thank those individuals. 
  My love for my arts has grown more and specified a bit more. I still love doing art, but I love doing it more through dancing, circus, and well -flying. It is so that in a month or so I will start a new chapter of my life in Vermont, studying the art of Circus. Yep, I am about to run away from home to join the Circus! I cannot express how excited I am. It is not only the new skills that I will gain, but the many adventures I will have, the new people I will meet, and the new locations I will get to visit and get the chance to experience that have me going berserk in the inside. Don't get me wrong though, because it is those same reasons why I am also afraid, but more than anything this is a blessing from the sky. I've been wanting a fresh starts since a while now. Have you ever had that feeling were everywhere you go... you see memories from your past that were disappointing to you and at the same time make you think of the many What Ifs of Life?  That's how I feel at the moment, how my present revolves around at the moment. I work in a warehouse and I do things that are quite repetitive and therefore I get a lot of time alone with me and my thoughts/ideas/memories and while not all of it is bad, what it is...well is just a bit too much and I want an out.  I don't want to live in the past because, though I don't regret what happened, it is painful to be relieving it constantly. That is were Vermont and Circus comes in. I want serenity from my past and be able to live the present. 
  My family is still my strength through life and my inspiration to do better, that is never going to go away, they are after all my closest friends in life. In my blood runs their hopes, dreams, and love for me so that there is no way I will let myself let them down. That is another personal fear of mine, to let down the people I hold dearest to my heart. Which includes a significant amount of people... my friends, family, and in the future... my love one. 
   I started this journal again as a way to share to everyone the experiences to come while I'm in Vermont. That does not necessarily mean I will be confessing all of my emotions and thoughts so rest away, I don't plan on having you read me screaming and cursing at the wind of the people/locations/whatever here... (for that I got a more personal journal ;P)

Jul. 9th, 2009


   6-days of vacation. Of fun and laughter. Of remembering old times and catching up on the years missed. 
   3 days of death. Of tears and cries. Of worries and pain. Of good byes and regreats.

   That was my trip to TX. My brother and I never expected that our simple trip will end the way it did. In the day of our return, my grandpa collapsed from a stroke. I didn't expected to be as serious, but it was, which is werid... my grandpa always had an aura of strength around him. The stoke... well damage his brain forever and for 3 days we saw him brain death. I was not as close to him as I should have like, but then again, we never click. We never talked, We never gave each other the time to hang. It was always the "Hi" , the " How you doing today?" , "How's life" and the" See you later"  for many years. All I know is  he was the great father my mother always loved for reasons of her own. He was the father of 12 kids and very respectable and powerful on his time. For the past years though, mainly since I can first remember...he moved from house to house...his power lost. His kids gone and only a few had ever really care for him. I'm sure he lived an exciting and adventurus life in his early years of youth and of fatherhood but...it will remain a mystery to me as to why he lost all the that power, and respect from his family.
   In 3 days I was finally getting a small glimpse of how much he impacted the lives of others. For the first time I saw his entire family reunite and people I never knew came to say their last good byes. ... 
  I will always remember that, the people, the stories from my mom, my aunts and cousins of him, and the small ones I was able to create with him even if not many.
   Today at 3.52pm he left us.
   R.I.P. Grandpa.

Jun. 17th, 2009

Goodbye to a good Friend

...Today is my last time I'll see a damn good friend and who knows exactly when I'll see this person back. I hate good byes, I think alot of people do and I think this is why. The distance, the never seeing each other, the lack of creating new memories with the simpliest of things. ...at the very least I'm graceful to have created a bond with this person. To have made membrable memories and to especially have the chance to have made some kind of impact to each other. For that, I'm graceful...

Good Bye my Finnish Friend....

Promise to see you again... some day.